The Scrapegrace (sic) of God

   Several years ago I came across a kitchen tip that said old credit cards made good bowl scrapers. I tried it and they work well for getting out most of the leftover dough or batter in a bowl. You don't want that goop drying in the bowl. It will set like concrete. The funny thing is, when we have guests, they'll sometimes say, "Did you know there's a credit card in your sink?"
    A couple of years ago I saw an ad saying the plastic scraper was the hot new tool for the amateur chef. The ad said these scrapers were a little known secret of the pros. They were selling for five bucks. I just checked Amazon and saw that their hotness has cooled. You can get a set of three for $7.52. Available in brown. They're slightly bigger than a credit card, but I'll stick with what I have.
   Under the comments section someone mentioned President Trump was selling scrapers for $1.99 each. Trump products are usually more expensive than the run-of-the-mill, so I went to the White House website and sure enough, there were Make American Kitchens Great bowl scrapers for only two bucks. I checked out the asterisk explanation at the bottom of the page. It turns out it really is a credit card, and every time you use it, you make a 99¢ donation to the 2020 campaign. "You scrape so we can scrap!"

Just say No!

Novelist Girl

   This past Thursday evening I went to a Writers' Workshop at the Roseau Library presented by fellow Wannaskan Almanac writer Kim Hruba. Catherine Stenzel, also an Almanac writer, rode along with me.
   Kim had gone to a writers conference last November in Kauai, Hawaii. She had published her first novel Elevator Girl in 2014 through a hybrid publishing outfit, a form of self-publishing with perks. Her book is available on Amazon. The 62 reviews give an average four star rating.
    Kim has been working on her second novel, Etiquette Girl for the past three years and says it's been slow going. Kim has five kids at home and is very involved in the Warroad community. Last year she convinced the McKnight Foundation to grant her enough money to attend a writers conference where she could get advice on her book and also pitch the book to literary agents.
   After much research, she chose the Kauai Writers' Conference held over five days last November. When you get a grant, you're expected to bring back what you've learned to your community, thus Thursday's workshop. Kim is doing a second workshop today in Warroad.
   Kim talked quite a bit about her sessions with NYC agent Jeff Kleinman, who makes a living from sales of a handful of successful books to the big publishers. Jeff was brutal as he reviewed the submissions of Kim and her fellow attendees. Kim said she got valuable advice for improving her novel and was gratified when Jeff told her she was only two drafts away from being ready for the big-time.
    There's over a million books published each year. This is good news for book lovers, if somewhat daunting. But it's even more daunting for writers since only a handful of these books will provide a good living for their authors. Kim will continue to write no matter what, but she would like validation in the form of royalty checks.
   There were several other aspiring writers at Thursday's workshop. I myself have no interest in jumping into the fiction shark pool, but Kim said several of the attendees were working on memoirs. I could see myself writing a memoir: "Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life...etc."
   Kim says a memoir should start out at the great crisis of the hero's life, then reel it in and gradually lead up to the crisis again. I did not know that. "As I lowered myself into the reputedly dormant volcano, I heard an ominous rumbling from below, so I deleted the word 'reputedly,' which is good, since my agent told me to lose all the adverbs."
   Kim gave us copies of a handout she had received in Hawaii. It divided all fiction into three broad areas: Literary, Upmarket and Commercial. Literary is arty and award winning. The author keeps his or her day job. Upmarket is character driven. The writing is of a high quality, but the plot is juicy enough to provide the author with a comfortable living. Commercial is as the name implies, out to make a buck: Tom Clancy, Danielle Steele, and other well-known philanthropists.
   I could jazz up my memoir to make a million: "As I lowered myself into the volcano, my soon-to-be-ex girlfriend, Maia, sobbed from above, 'Dante, I know you're just going down there to meet Rumi, and I've got your Buck n' Bear Lynx 440C Tactical Folding pocket knife right here and I know how to use it.'"
   I bet agent Jeff would love it. Especially the knife bit.

   Thanks Kim for a fascinating look into the cut-throat world of publishing. I admire your perseverance. Good luck!

Writer Girl

There and Back Again

   We had so much fun driving to Boston last April on mostly back roads that we did it again in December. We haven't celebrated Christmas with our kids for many years, partly because Teresa's dad is 101 and doesn't travel well. So Teresa's sister Becky, her husband Jack, Teresa and I stay in town and perform the old rituals with Einar or Enar as he now calls himself.
   This year Teresa nd Becky decided it was time for some of the other siblings to come to Roseau so we could get out of town. Becky and Jack would go down to St. Cloud where their kids live and Teresa and I would take the long road to Boston. Of course we would have to keep an eye on the weather. If a blizzard appeared in the forecast, we could duck into the nearest motel and live on continental breakfasts until the plows came by.
   We planned to spend a night in Chicago to visit my sainted aunt Mary, cousin Liz and her friend Ralph. When my sister Mary-Jo learned of this, she bought a one-way ticket to Midway so she could ride to Mass. with us. She's a venerable road tripper.
   We left Wannaska at seven a.m. on Wednesday, December 12, 2018. We were in Duluth by noon and crossed the bridge into Superior. Duluth is hilly and pretty. Superior is flat and industrial. I know there's a pretty part in Superior, but our route winds through a wasteland. Even the houses, even the Santas in front of the houses, look industrial. We started noting the drop in gas prices: $2.49 at home, $2.14 here (I won't bore my readers with further prices: the lowest was $1.70 in Ohio. Illinois and Indiana were also low. Highest in NY and Mass.
    Siri gave us route down to Black River Falls on Hwy 53, a four laner-through towns. At Solon Springs we took a detour around Upper St. Croix Lake, source of the beautiful St Croix River which further south forms the Minnesota-Wisconsin border. This was cabin country with fish houses on the lake.
   We pulled into our motel on the south side of Black River Falls. We were able to walk to the Mocha Mouse across the way. It seems everyplace in Wisconsin sells cheese, even coffee shops. The Mocha Mouse also served sandwiches, local crafts and there was even a used bookstore upstairs. Coffee shops in Wisconsin also sell beer for the over-caffeinated. There was a display from the local vineyards of which it appears there are no end. This was a perfect refuge after almost 500 miles on the road.
     After a passable continental breakfast, we hit the beautiful back roads of woods and farms tucked between steep hills. I saw an Amish wagon being slowly pulled up a steep snow covered road. Patience in motion. We got lunch in Janesville, giving Paul Ryan's hometown a little business.
   Soon after, we were crossing the flat Illinois farmland. We were going to go all the wat to Aunt Mary's house on the far south side of Chicago avoiding freeways. This was something I had never tried before in all my many trips through Chicago. I was curious at what point the urban would take over from the rural.  The answer, on my route at least, was in the city of Geneva, 35 miles from the Loop. Aunt Mary's place was 44 miles from Geneva. Taking the freeway would be two miles longer, but twenty minutes quicker. Those twenty minutes were spent sitting at stop lights. Which gives you a chance to look around. On the other hand, it took several minutes to pass through the Saganashkee Woods. The St. Casimir Lithuanian Cemetery closer to Aunt Mary's was also a formidable open space.