Slippers On The Ground

  We seniors are sick of terrorism, but what can we do other than watch cable news all day and vote for the guy who says he'll drop the most bombs. Our enemy is young, fit and tireless while we are old, slack, and addicted to naps. The terrorists entice new recruits with videos of beheadings. I'm looking at a  recruitment video for a new organization called OMAI: Old Men Against ISIS. We codgers are certainly not going to the battlefield. We'd soon become fodder for a new round of beheading videos. Rather we will go to work at the nearest Air Force base where we will be trained to operate drones. Since we're not members of the military, we're not allowed to kill anyone. Our strategy will be distraction, annoyance, disaffection (DAD); things we're already good at. We'll be piloting mini-drones such as people are already using here to scare their neighbors. These drones are vulnerable to a well thrown roll of toilet paper, but our drones will use the latest stealth technology. We will fly onto the battlefield in Iraq or Syria and as an ISIS or an ISIL fighter is about to fire his rifle, we'll hoist his shirt over his head using old Three Stooges technology. When he frees himself, we squirt honey in his face to teach him life is sweet, don't waste it, punk. Finally, we'll leave him a flash drive with instructions on how to turn himself in plus a coupon for one year off his sentence.
  Congress has funded the OMAI program, less pilot salaries, however we can claim expenses on our tax return. And, depending on who wins the election, there might a free massage after the first hundred missions.