Thursday, May 1, 2008

Obama Stole my Knife

I'm too old to stand in line anymore. I stay home and cook my own dinner. If I must watch a movie I rent it from the video store. There's never a line there.

But I waited two and half hours to see Obama and Hillary in Grand Forks last month. The long line was thanks to the funnel of security. There are crazy people who want to kill Obama and Hillary. I can understand that I guess.

When they said security I never thought they meant airport style security and so my little Swiss Army knife got caught in the web. The blade of my knife is less than an inch and a half long. Of course Operation Iraqi Freedom was set off by a boxcutter.

I was just sick when the guard said he would have to keep my little knife. "We have a hundred of them already." He gave me the option of taking the knife back to my car. Forget it. The line behind me was huge. I can get another for 5 or 6 bucks. The knife had no sentimental value.

Obama talked about creating a world where knives were no longer necessary. Hillary reminded me of Reagan with vignettes about people who went nuts after having their knives taken away.

On Monday I went to the hardware store looking for a new knife. Twenty dollars for the same knife I'd left behind in Grand Forks.

Son of a biscuit!

I went to Amazon. New there for ten bucks plus shipping. Used .01 cent. One cent? Yes. Plus shipping of $4.99 with the following commentary:

Another seller has repeatedly undercut me by 1 cent. He continues to cut my price by a penny. Read about him. He's in the book business. Check his prices on books. I have been in the knife business for over 35 years. I am again offering classics for ONE CENT. So have at it, Ed! NTSA Airport seizure. This is a used knife which was taken away at an airport security check. The plastic sides become worn and scratched from change and keys..i.e. pocket wear. When I send a knife graded "Used-Acceptable", there WILL BE significant POCKET WEAR. A few may have the Swiss Cross logo worn off, or a minor chip out of the plastic. Please don't expect a NEW knife for $.01. The blade may be a bit worn and scratched, however it will be SHARP, scissor spring is there and it works, and the tweezers and toothpick are both present. And the LIFETIME WARRANTY against defects in materials and workmanship still applies! And as always.... Thank you for your business!

OK that sounds fair. Ten days later I had my new used knife. The logo was intact. No chips in the plastic. The blade was SHARP and the toothpick and tweezers were present. The scissors spring also worked. But I wondered, would this blade cut a seat belt? I got my first knife when I was seven but wasn't allowed possession for one year. I've carried a knife off and on ever since. I got serious about carrying a knife at all times when I read a newspaper story about a man who pulled another man from a burning wreck. The seat belt was jammed and he had to cut it to get the man out. "I've always carried a knife since I worked on a farm as a boy," he said. After that I made sure I always had a hefty blade with me. It would be a terrible thing to watch a person burn because you could not pull them free. Especially after I had read the story.

But then I became a professional and the bulge of a large blade looked funny, so I downsized to the inch and a half blade. It's razor sharp. I think I could cut a seatbelt or a terrorist's jugular. But it would be a struggle. And don't look for help from me on board a plane or at an Obama rally.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"But then I became a professional and the bulge of a large blade looked funny ... "

So that's what Mae West was talking about when she said what is often quoted, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" She was talking about someone's too big Swiss Army knife they had in their professional pants pocket! Hoohah! Who knew?

Now it's safe to say that had you been wearing dungarees (This guy never wears blue jeans [as a professional-type]) and carried said "bulge" in your pocket or therabouts you'd fairly strut your stuff, but since you've become a 'proper guy' this is all taboo.

(He's joined the exclusive Palmville Country Club recently and is taking lessons from the pro there, 'Jerry Solomeno.')

This guy has even become so professionally conscientious he worries whether his shirt tail pulls out when he bends at the waist, eh.

Sources say he reputedly has elastic bungy cords clipped from his shirttail to the top of his socks to keep them both in place no matter his physical position, ... professionally speaking, of course.

He even coined the now well known phrase,
"Say No to Slack!"

"Is that a proper-sized Swiss Army knife in your pocket or are you carrying a small shot flask of Jameson's for the long 'commute*' home, Big Guy?" (*professional jargon/Wikpedia.com)